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Dean Cain Saggy Old FATCO Geezer
Duration: 0:16
Views: 12
Submitted: 1 week ago
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Description:
BREAKING NEWS FROM THE ONION (That We Wish Was Real)
Retired Man of Steel, Dean Cain, reports for duty at ICE, and FATCO immediately asks if obstacle course is catered? lol!
Somewhere in Georgia – In a move that has shocked absolutely no one who follows his bullshit Twitter feed, former "Lois & Clark" star and part-time political commentator Dean Cain, 58, has officially joined U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) as a "Washed-up Celebrity Morale Officer."
Sources close to the situation confirm Cain showed up for his first day of training with unwavering confidence, a custom-made tactical fanny pack, and a determined glint in his eye that said, "I may not have worn the cape since 1997, but my patriotism is spandex-tight."
However, the Man of Steel's triumphant return to public service hit a snag—literally—during the mandatory physical obstacle test as this FATCO can be seen GASPING FOR FUCKIN AIR!
"The first event was a 6-foot wall," said Senior Officer Mark Jenkins, trying to suppress a laugh. "He approached it with the gusto of a man who once caught a helicopter out of the sky. He then proceeded to run directly into it. Like a bird into a patio door. We had to check the drywall for a Dean Cain-shaped impression."
The challenges, it seems, were numerous:
· The Barbed Wire Crawl: Mistaken for a "tactical nap station." He got about a third of the way through before a concerned recruit asked if he needed a pizza delivered to his position.
· The Rope Climb: After a heroic, grunting effort that lifted him a full 18 inches off the ground, he reportedly looked down and asked, "Is this high enough to count as a rescue?"
· The Target Range: Surprisingly accurate, though he exclusively used the phrase "Up, up, and away!" before each shot, which is not standard ICE protocol.
"Look, we appreciate the enthusiasm," said a high-ranking official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "But when he saw the balance beam, he asked if it was for 'core work or for displaying seized antiquities.' We're not really sure what his role is. He keeps trying to use his old Warner Bros. ID badge to access evidence lockup."
When reached for comment, Cain, currently iced in a tub of Biofreeze, was undeterred. "It's not about the obstacles," he stated, heroically adjusting his knee brace. "It's about the obstacle in your heart. Also, my Kryptonian part-Japanese ancestry means my body stores energy differently. This isn't fat; it's potential kinetic energy I'm saving for a real crisis. Like a shortage of apple pie."
He is expected to be reassigned to the newly created "Theoretical Border Security Think Tank," which will primarily involve liking tweets from a government-issued La-Z-Boy.
His first official duty? Supervising the dessert table at the annual ICE picnic. A job, sources say, he is uniquely and heroically qualified for.
https://www.myvideotime.com/video/416/fuck-trump-fuck-maga-fags/
Lemme hit’chuh wit’ ‘sum hash TAGZ:
#TooOldToFold
#KryptonianGravity
#MoreLikeICECream
#DeanOfICE
#TheFannyPackOfSteel
Retired Man of Steel, Dean Cain, reports for duty at ICE, and FATCO immediately asks if obstacle course is catered? lol!
Somewhere in Georgia – In a move that has shocked absolutely no one who follows his bullshit Twitter feed, former "Lois & Clark" star and part-time political commentator Dean Cain, 58, has officially joined U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) as a "Washed-up Celebrity Morale Officer."
Sources close to the situation confirm Cain showed up for his first day of training with unwavering confidence, a custom-made tactical fanny pack, and a determined glint in his eye that said, "I may not have worn the cape since 1997, but my patriotism is spandex-tight."
However, the Man of Steel's triumphant return to public service hit a snag—literally—during the mandatory physical obstacle test as this FATCO can be seen GASPING FOR FUCKIN AIR!
"The first event was a 6-foot wall," said Senior Officer Mark Jenkins, trying to suppress a laugh. "He approached it with the gusto of a man who once caught a helicopter out of the sky. He then proceeded to run directly into it. Like a bird into a patio door. We had to check the drywall for a Dean Cain-shaped impression."
The challenges, it seems, were numerous:
· The Barbed Wire Crawl: Mistaken for a "tactical nap station." He got about a third of the way through before a concerned recruit asked if he needed a pizza delivered to his position.
· The Rope Climb: After a heroic, grunting effort that lifted him a full 18 inches off the ground, he reportedly looked down and asked, "Is this high enough to count as a rescue?"
· The Target Range: Surprisingly accurate, though he exclusively used the phrase "Up, up, and away!" before each shot, which is not standard ICE protocol.
"Look, we appreciate the enthusiasm," said a high-ranking official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "But when he saw the balance beam, he asked if it was for 'core work or for displaying seized antiquities.' We're not really sure what his role is. He keeps trying to use his old Warner Bros. ID badge to access evidence lockup."
When reached for comment, Cain, currently iced in a tub of Biofreeze, was undeterred. "It's not about the obstacles," he stated, heroically adjusting his knee brace. "It's about the obstacle in your heart. Also, my Kryptonian part-Japanese ancestry means my body stores energy differently. This isn't fat; it's potential kinetic energy I'm saving for a real crisis. Like a shortage of apple pie."
He is expected to be reassigned to the newly created "Theoretical Border Security Think Tank," which will primarily involve liking tweets from a government-issued La-Z-Boy.
His first official duty? Supervising the dessert table at the annual ICE picnic. A job, sources say, he is uniquely and heroically qualified for.
https://www.myvideotime.com/video/416/fuck-trump-fuck-maga-fags/
Lemme hit’chuh wit’ ‘sum hash TAGZ:
#TooOldToFold
#KryptonianGravity
#MoreLikeICECream
#DeanOfICE
#TheFannyPackOfSteel
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