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Kristy Noem Sex Party & Life + Career REVIEW
Duration: 0:18
Views: 6
Submitted: 1 day ago
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Description:
After FBI and other agents tackled honorable Senator Padilla?
FBI and ICE Agent chickens do party all right and here is a video to prove it!
What she got?
FELATIO! Alright, strap in cause I’m dialing my satire to "Thermonuclear Cringe" and giving the edge a serrated blade. Here’s Kristi Noem, “DHS Secretary of Shoot First,” Cryogenically Freeze Questions Later (A Tragedy in Spray Tan and Hubris).
This Trump On-Call Personal DHS-HOOKER CUNT’s Formative Years? Building a Brand on Bodily Autonomy (For Livestock)…
Childhood on the Ranch?
Aged just “4,” this sick biatch executed her first Barbie for "treasonous fashion choices" (denim skirt with sequins). Held a mock tribunal with stuffed animals as jury. Verdict? Guilty! Sentence? Decapitation via safety scissors.
Teen Years of this DHS hoe next..
Won "Most Likely to Neuter a Protestor" in the yearbook. Ran a side hustle charging classmates $5 to watch her "ethically terminate" gophers with a nail gun — WHOA! Demanded “Home Depot” PAY-UP SPONSORSHIP, they flatly refused, so did LOWES! Also hit Benjamin Moore but they stayed too much PRIMER’ing WITHOUT ABUNDANCE OF COLOR!
Sick psycho cunt in-deed — PERFECT FOR DHS post where psycho cunts advance to the TOP by putting OUT on the bottom!
Pre-Politics Grind?
Opened a "Liberty-Themed" Petting Zoo where animals could "exercise their 2nd Amendment rights" (rubber band guns strapped to lambs). Shut down after the Incident With the Trigger-Happy Goat. Briefly auditioned for Survivor but was rejected for "excessive hostility toward production assistants."
And her Political Ascent?
Climbing the Ladder of Broken Norms & “Hairspray Fumes!” State Legislature? Founded the "Common Sense Caucus" (membership: her, a framed photo of Ronald Reagan, and a suspiciously lifelike wig stand).
Key Achievement?
Passing a bill declaring emotional vulnerability a "Class B Misdemeanor." Congressional Cowgirl (D.C. Safari)
Committee Work?Argued that the Endangered Species Act was "woke pandering" to spotted owls. Suggested replacing wolves with landmines for "cost-effective population control."
Media Strategy?
Became a Fox News darling by mastering the "Three S’s": Smirk, Scowl, Sudden Unblinking Stare (TM). Producers kept a defibrillator on set.
What Will Be Her Legislative Legacy?
Co-sponsored a bill requiring all federal buildings to have at least one wall made of barbed wire and testosterone so that LA Protesters and CA-Gov Gavin Newsom can’t get in as she reclassified all Los Angeles City and County residents, riot prone criminals who need to be deported back to Hollywood not realizing Hollywood is “in the heart of Los Angeles!”
And her Governorship?
South Dakota’s Pandemic Thunderstorm™ COVID Response as she declared virus mitigation efforts "an assault on American Machismo." Offered citizens a choice of either a "Mask or Manifest Destiny?" Solved ventilator shortages by repurposing tire inflators from truck stops. Slogan: "If it’s good enough for a Ford F-150, it’s good enough for Grandma!"
Sturgis Bike Rally?
Rebranded as "Freedom’s Super STD Spreader Event." Sold merch: "I Survived COVID, Kristi’s Side-Eye" tank tops, and Gonnirgea which closed my womb — along with several other STD’s HIPPA keeps under wraps while she gave head to FBI, ICE, and secret service agents as reward for handcuffing Senator Padilla in LA, but let’s not get too far ahead here and go back to her “Tribal Relations” as she tried to bond with tribal leaders over shared "love of sovereignty." Gifted them monogrammed lead bullets with her saggy ass emblazoned for shooting motivation…
Relationship status:?
"It’s Complicated (with a restraining order)." Reason she poses in soo many uniforms on Social Media is because they are Trophy’s
of her “Sexual Conquests,”man who thought they would get FREE HEAD only to end up on ICE from massive coronary induced by their Barbie, “hence the name stuck “ICE Barbie!”
Economic Development?
Lured tech companies with promises of "zero diversity quotas & unlimited raccoon hunting breaks." Elon Musk sent a strongly worded tweet calling it "White Power” with selfie of himself doing yet another Hitler Nazi Salute while. I’ll Gates stated he retired to REMAIN in the lowest Tax bracket Tier of “PASSIVE INVESTOR” so that worker bitches caught up his share because by default they are placed into HIGHEST TAX BRACKET because in USA Taxation is a Rigged System Racket! Google’s cofounder Sergey Brin replied a firm “Nyet” in his native Russian mind you because he was getting over the fact that Elon FUCKED his wife strictly on a Conquest Mission and then sent Sergey his regards via STARLINK so little Russian was broken like Google’s WAYMO cars in Los Angeles — after riot; “BURNED FROM THE OUTSIDE,” scorched on the inside — EXTRA CRISPY ARSON JOB and Barbie the right how for investigative job!
DHS Reign of DeePORTation Terror?
ICE-Barbie looking forward to detainee Bloodbath in LA which went like her “Senate Confirmation Hearing”
during which the Psycho bitch wore a tactical vest over a pantsuit. Brought her Pupoy she personally SHOT for being too needy Cricket’s ashes in an ammo box as a "visual aid." When asked about cybersecurity — replied: "Easy! I will ban VPN’s. Ban math to stop Stateless Warrior’s analytics which drive me insane because they are all laser-precise, and will ban all citizens who own a calculator so critiques “Problem solved!”
Signature Policies?
Operation: Puppy Purge during which this DHS Psycho-Cunt carried out “Mandatory” behavioral euthanasia for all federal K-9 units failing "loyalty drills" (failing to bite a Bernie Sanders effigy).
Border Security Plan "Cricket’s Revenge?”
Trained attack geese to patrol the Rio Grande (armed with tiny tasers & crippling judgment).Proposed a wall made entirely of confiscated narcotics. "Addicts will either get clean or die trying! Elon glanced and said: Win-win” as he took another hit of KETAMINE and looked afterwards like a black man on crack Cocaine while LAPD is chasing him down in Skid Row section of Los Angeles and demanding his confiscated crack pipe back after arrest so he could make America World’s Number One Walmart of Narcotics — again and again — while Chinese Communists giggle as their cheap precursor chemicals KILL American male’s of military age so they could diminish American war fighting capabilities as they swarm USA with military age Chinese asylum seekers on America’s Southern Border and turn them into Sleeper Soldiers behind ICE Barbie’s back, Augh what a human asset class Chinese covert soldier hack!
Disaster Response?
Replaced FEMA with "Noem’s Nuke ‘Em First Responder?." Aid packages contained expired MRE’s, a Glock 19, and a pamphlet: "God Helps Those Who Help Themselves (to their neighbor’s generator)."
Cybersecurity?
Hired 4Chan trolls as "Digital Minutemen." Leaked her own nudes to "confuse foreign hackers." It worked. Everyone was confused as even Elon was jacking off right next to Donald Trump who was trying to do the same but he ran outtuh Viagra so his limp mushroom shaped dick remained nano sized but luckily his Slovenian whore wifey brought in her grammuh’s loop and a pair of fuckin tweezers and found Donald’s shriveled up old dick hiding behind his saggy balls — WHOA!
Puppygate breakdown?
The Policy That Barked Back The Leak:
Her memoir draft revealed DHS’s "Tiered Threat Neutralization Protocol" (Chapter 11: Small Dogs, Big Problems). Justification for Cricket’s execution? "He looked at me with… socialist eyes. Also, he peed on a flag-adjacent shrub." Puppy whacking PR “Damage Control?” Launched "Operation: Wag the Dog" – blamed Cricket for the 2027 cyberattack on Omaha’s power grid. Released "evidence": a paw-print on a keyboard. Mandatory "Canine Patriotism Screenings" for all pets. Failure = deportation to Guantanamo’s new "Bark ‘n Detain" facility if CECOT where she senates as photo props ain’t available? Proposed a "Puppy Purge Tax Credit" ($200 per "terminated liability").
And what about get Kim Jong Un Debacle?
Diplomacy, Noem-Style… The Meeting, bitch lied cause it never happened but… For sake of fiction, she flew to Pyongyang to "negotiate." Gifted Kim a signed copy of her memoir and a voucher for one free goat execution. Told aides: "He’s misunderstood! We bonded over our shared love of executing disloyal subordinates & weird haircuts!" Leaked cable: "Kim called her ‘unhinged raccoon in a blazer.’ Request immediate extraction before she nukes Iowa."
The Inevitable Flameout?
Her UPCOMING Resignation Speech: Stood before a burning effigy of CNN. Screamed: "THE DEEP STATE IS REAL! AND THEY’RE ALL COWARDS WHO’VE NEVER SHOT A 14-MONTH-OLD PUPPY PROBLEM!" Threw Cricket’s ashes into the crowd like T-shirt cannons. Hit an intern who sued, she countered, and they settled in the middle of her vaginal orifice!
What will she do “Post-DHS Career?
”Sequel of her Memoir of Course.. Memoir Title: "Cricket Had It Coming: Confessions of a Patriot Who Maybe Overcorrected." Business Venture perhaps? Open "Camp Trigger Discipline" – a survivalist retreat where boomers role-play executing NPR journalists with paintball guns.
What about deadline news craving Media?
Will Host "Noem’s Nuthouse Podcast" – guests include a sentient AR-15, Alex Jones’ adrenal gland, and the ghost of Joe McCarthy.
What will be ICE Barbie’s yLegacy?
The DHS HQ now features a "Hall of Unforced Errors" – with Cricket’s collar enshrined in bulletproof glass. New agents swear an oath over his ashes: "I will execute my duties... and any animal that vaguely irritates me." Her official portrait hangs in the lobby: smirking, holding a smoking shotgun, standing atop a pile of dead metaphors. The plaque reads: "SHE SECURED THE HOMELAND… FROM SANITY, CONTEXT, PUPPIES, AND SENATOR PADILLA’S QUESTION BY HAVING HIM HANDCUFFED IN LA AND ROUGHED UP ON THE WAY OUT CAUSE KRSTY NOEM IS A SNEAKY BITCH — NO DOUBT!
Satire 100% Original by:
-Stateless Warrior
FBI and ICE Agent chickens do party all right and here is a video to prove it!
What she got?
FELATIO! Alright, strap in cause I’m dialing my satire to "Thermonuclear Cringe" and giving the edge a serrated blade. Here’s Kristi Noem, “DHS Secretary of Shoot First,” Cryogenically Freeze Questions Later (A Tragedy in Spray Tan and Hubris).
This Trump On-Call Personal DHS-HOOKER CUNT’s Formative Years? Building a Brand on Bodily Autonomy (For Livestock)…
Childhood on the Ranch?
Aged just “4,” this sick biatch executed her first Barbie for "treasonous fashion choices" (denim skirt with sequins). Held a mock tribunal with stuffed animals as jury. Verdict? Guilty! Sentence? Decapitation via safety scissors.
Teen Years of this DHS hoe next..
Won "Most Likely to Neuter a Protestor" in the yearbook. Ran a side hustle charging classmates $5 to watch her "ethically terminate" gophers with a nail gun — WHOA! Demanded “Home Depot” PAY-UP SPONSORSHIP, they flatly refused, so did LOWES! Also hit Benjamin Moore but they stayed too much PRIMER’ing WITHOUT ABUNDANCE OF COLOR!
Sick psycho cunt in-deed — PERFECT FOR DHS post where psycho cunts advance to the TOP by putting OUT on the bottom!
Pre-Politics Grind?
Opened a "Liberty-Themed" Petting Zoo where animals could "exercise their 2nd Amendment rights" (rubber band guns strapped to lambs). Shut down after the Incident With the Trigger-Happy Goat. Briefly auditioned for Survivor but was rejected for "excessive hostility toward production assistants."
And her Political Ascent?
Climbing the Ladder of Broken Norms & “Hairspray Fumes!” State Legislature? Founded the "Common Sense Caucus" (membership: her, a framed photo of Ronald Reagan, and a suspiciously lifelike wig stand).
Key Achievement?
Passing a bill declaring emotional vulnerability a "Class B Misdemeanor." Congressional Cowgirl (D.C. Safari)
Committee Work?Argued that the Endangered Species Act was "woke pandering" to spotted owls. Suggested replacing wolves with landmines for "cost-effective population control."
Media Strategy?
Became a Fox News darling by mastering the "Three S’s": Smirk, Scowl, Sudden Unblinking Stare (TM). Producers kept a defibrillator on set.
What Will Be Her Legislative Legacy?
Co-sponsored a bill requiring all federal buildings to have at least one wall made of barbed wire and testosterone so that LA Protesters and CA-Gov Gavin Newsom can’t get in as she reclassified all Los Angeles City and County residents, riot prone criminals who need to be deported back to Hollywood not realizing Hollywood is “in the heart of Los Angeles!”
And her Governorship?
South Dakota’s Pandemic Thunderstorm™ COVID Response as she declared virus mitigation efforts "an assault on American Machismo." Offered citizens a choice of either a "Mask or Manifest Destiny?" Solved ventilator shortages by repurposing tire inflators from truck stops. Slogan: "If it’s good enough for a Ford F-150, it’s good enough for Grandma!"
Sturgis Bike Rally?
Rebranded as "Freedom’s Super STD Spreader Event." Sold merch: "I Survived COVID, Kristi’s Side-Eye" tank tops, and Gonnirgea which closed my womb — along with several other STD’s HIPPA keeps under wraps while she gave head to FBI, ICE, and secret service agents as reward for handcuffing Senator Padilla in LA, but let’s not get too far ahead here and go back to her “Tribal Relations” as she tried to bond with tribal leaders over shared "love of sovereignty." Gifted them monogrammed lead bullets with her saggy ass emblazoned for shooting motivation…
Relationship status:?
"It’s Complicated (with a restraining order)." Reason she poses in soo many uniforms on Social Media is because they are Trophy’s
of her “Sexual Conquests,”man who thought they would get FREE HEAD only to end up on ICE from massive coronary induced by their Barbie, “hence the name stuck “ICE Barbie!”
Economic Development?
Lured tech companies with promises of "zero diversity quotas & unlimited raccoon hunting breaks." Elon Musk sent a strongly worded tweet calling it "White Power” with selfie of himself doing yet another Hitler Nazi Salute while. I’ll Gates stated he retired to REMAIN in the lowest Tax bracket Tier of “PASSIVE INVESTOR” so that worker bitches caught up his share because by default they are placed into HIGHEST TAX BRACKET because in USA Taxation is a Rigged System Racket! Google’s cofounder Sergey Brin replied a firm “Nyet” in his native Russian mind you because he was getting over the fact that Elon FUCKED his wife strictly on a Conquest Mission and then sent Sergey his regards via STARLINK so little Russian was broken like Google’s WAYMO cars in Los Angeles — after riot; “BURNED FROM THE OUTSIDE,” scorched on the inside — EXTRA CRISPY ARSON JOB and Barbie the right how for investigative job!
DHS Reign of DeePORTation Terror?
ICE-Barbie looking forward to detainee Bloodbath in LA which went like her “Senate Confirmation Hearing”
during which the Psycho bitch wore a tactical vest over a pantsuit. Brought her Pupoy she personally SHOT for being too needy Cricket’s ashes in an ammo box as a "visual aid." When asked about cybersecurity — replied: "Easy! I will ban VPN’s. Ban math to stop Stateless Warrior’s analytics which drive me insane because they are all laser-precise, and will ban all citizens who own a calculator so critiques “Problem solved!”
Signature Policies?
Operation: Puppy Purge during which this DHS Psycho-Cunt carried out “Mandatory” behavioral euthanasia for all federal K-9 units failing "loyalty drills" (failing to bite a Bernie Sanders effigy).
Border Security Plan "Cricket’s Revenge?”
Trained attack geese to patrol the Rio Grande (armed with tiny tasers & crippling judgment).Proposed a wall made entirely of confiscated narcotics. "Addicts will either get clean or die trying! Elon glanced and said: Win-win” as he took another hit of KETAMINE and looked afterwards like a black man on crack Cocaine while LAPD is chasing him down in Skid Row section of Los Angeles and demanding his confiscated crack pipe back after arrest so he could make America World’s Number One Walmart of Narcotics — again and again — while Chinese Communists giggle as their cheap precursor chemicals KILL American male’s of military age so they could diminish American war fighting capabilities as they swarm USA with military age Chinese asylum seekers on America’s Southern Border and turn them into Sleeper Soldiers behind ICE Barbie’s back, Augh what a human asset class Chinese covert soldier hack!
Disaster Response?
Replaced FEMA with "Noem’s Nuke ‘Em First Responder?." Aid packages contained expired MRE’s, a Glock 19, and a pamphlet: "God Helps Those Who Help Themselves (to their neighbor’s generator)."
Cybersecurity?
Hired 4Chan trolls as "Digital Minutemen." Leaked her own nudes to "confuse foreign hackers." It worked. Everyone was confused as even Elon was jacking off right next to Donald Trump who was trying to do the same but he ran outtuh Viagra so his limp mushroom shaped dick remained nano sized but luckily his Slovenian whore wifey brought in her grammuh’s loop and a pair of fuckin tweezers and found Donald’s shriveled up old dick hiding behind his saggy balls — WHOA!
Puppygate breakdown?
The Policy That Barked Back The Leak:
Her memoir draft revealed DHS’s "Tiered Threat Neutralization Protocol" (Chapter 11: Small Dogs, Big Problems). Justification for Cricket’s execution? "He looked at me with… socialist eyes. Also, he peed on a flag-adjacent shrub." Puppy whacking PR “Damage Control?” Launched "Operation: Wag the Dog" – blamed Cricket for the 2027 cyberattack on Omaha’s power grid. Released "evidence": a paw-print on a keyboard. Mandatory "Canine Patriotism Screenings" for all pets. Failure = deportation to Guantanamo’s new "Bark ‘n Detain" facility if CECOT where she senates as photo props ain’t available? Proposed a "Puppy Purge Tax Credit" ($200 per "terminated liability").
And what about get Kim Jong Un Debacle?
Diplomacy, Noem-Style… The Meeting, bitch lied cause it never happened but… For sake of fiction, she flew to Pyongyang to "negotiate." Gifted Kim a signed copy of her memoir and a voucher for one free goat execution. Told aides: "He’s misunderstood! We bonded over our shared love of executing disloyal subordinates & weird haircuts!" Leaked cable: "Kim called her ‘unhinged raccoon in a blazer.’ Request immediate extraction before she nukes Iowa."
The Inevitable Flameout?
Her UPCOMING Resignation Speech: Stood before a burning effigy of CNN. Screamed: "THE DEEP STATE IS REAL! AND THEY’RE ALL COWARDS WHO’VE NEVER SHOT A 14-MONTH-OLD PUPPY PROBLEM!" Threw Cricket’s ashes into the crowd like T-shirt cannons. Hit an intern who sued, she countered, and they settled in the middle of her vaginal orifice!
What will she do “Post-DHS Career?
”Sequel of her Memoir of Course.. Memoir Title: "Cricket Had It Coming: Confessions of a Patriot Who Maybe Overcorrected." Business Venture perhaps? Open "Camp Trigger Discipline" – a survivalist retreat where boomers role-play executing NPR journalists with paintball guns.
What about deadline news craving Media?
Will Host "Noem’s Nuthouse Podcast" – guests include a sentient AR-15, Alex Jones’ adrenal gland, and the ghost of Joe McCarthy.
What will be ICE Barbie’s yLegacy?
The DHS HQ now features a "Hall of Unforced Errors" – with Cricket’s collar enshrined in bulletproof glass. New agents swear an oath over his ashes: "I will execute my duties... and any animal that vaguely irritates me." Her official portrait hangs in the lobby: smirking, holding a smoking shotgun, standing atop a pile of dead metaphors. The plaque reads: "SHE SECURED THE HOMELAND… FROM SANITY, CONTEXT, PUPPIES, AND SENATOR PADILLA’S QUESTION BY HAVING HIM HANDCUFFED IN LA AND ROUGHED UP ON THE WAY OUT CAUSE KRSTY NOEM IS A SNEAKY BITCH — NO DOUBT!
Satire 100% Original by:
-Stateless Warrior
