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USDHS DIRECTOR PURSE HEIST
Duration: 0:18
Views: 8
Submitted: 1 week ago
Submitted by:
Description:
You wannuh pitch me your NAVY FAG ENLISTMENT OR YOUR AIR FAG FORCE?
Ya’ll have a far greater chance Colonizing fuckin Mars witchuh idiot Elon!
But how many INNOCENT VICTIMS ARE YOU GOVERNMENT GESTAPO FAGS GOING TO TORTURE AND KILL IN YOUR CUSTODY T-O-D-A-Y YOU MOTHER FUCKIN COWARDS?”
https://www.myvideotime.com/video/389/if-you-stalker-g-agent-fags-ever-pitch-me-your-new-your/
And now on to MY SATIRE..
Home Insecurity Director Kristi Poem had her purse snatched while two Secret Service Agents were guarding her. One was jacking the other chicken spanking…
In the dim, chandelier-lit ambiance of “WaSHITon Burger” Director Kristy Hoe’m of the USDHS nibbled on a $400 truffle-infused crème brûlée after swallowing a huge burger flanked by two monkey fuck Secret Service agents whose earpieces hummed with the gravity of national security. Their eyes darted between the quinoa salads, Burgers, Buns and fuckin Nuns and the exits, ready to neutralize any threat—Russian hackers, rogue drones, or, God forbid, an unlicensed black street performer.
The director’s purse, a limited-edition “Homeland Secure™” clutch (complete with fingerprint lock and a built-in panic button), sat innocently on her chair. As she debated the existential risks of gluten-free bread, a shadowy figure emerged—a 36–year-old man named Purse Boy, armed with a coupon book and a fanny pack. With the stealth of a ninja who’d honed his skills at Bingo Night, Purse Boy swiped the purse mid-bite, stuffing it between his jacket and a half-finished Werther’s Original.
Chaos erupted…. Agent Bravo barked into his wrist mic: “Code Periwinkle! Repeat, Code Periwinkle! The bag is compromised!” The restaurant was locked down, patrons scanned for microchips, and the guacamole inspected for bioterrorism. Drones circled the area as analysts scoured CCTV for “suspicious activity”—defined as anyone not wearing tactical socks.
Meanwhile, Purse Boy strolled to the bus stop, humming “La Vie en Rose”, his heist foiled only by the clutch’s shrill alarm when he accidentally sat on the panic button. Agents triangulated the signal, only to find the purse in a trash can, alongside a note: “Upgrade to velcro. P.S., your snack bar’s unsecured.”
Director Wallets later hailed the operation as a “win,” citing “zero classified tamales leaked.” Congress promptly approved a $2 billion “Purse Protection Initiative,” featuring AI-trained attack Chihuahuas. And Purse Boy, will soon be a TikTok legend, was last seen negotiating a reality show: “Purse Boy vs. DHS: Dawn of the Purse Snatcher”.
And thus, America slept soundly, knowing its leaders were safe from all threats—except Purse Snatchers with a grudge and a CA$H fudge.” Of course it goes without say’n that Director Kristy Hoe’m, now dubbed “Madame Velcro” by late-night comedians, stood before Congress to testify about the “Purse Protection Initiative’s “historic success.” Flanked by a squad of AI Chihuahuas (wearing tiny USDHS tactical vests and growling at a suspicious Russian as they are trained to detect FSB agents near Potomac River), she declared, “We’ve neutralized 98% of handbag-based threats—excluding clutches, crossbodies, and anything sold at TJ Maxx.”
The initiative’s crowning glory? A $500 million “SmartSatchel” prototype: a purse that could self-destruct, tweet on Elon’s “X,”and launch subpoenas at whistleblowers. Critics argued it couldn’t hold a tube of lipstick without erroring out, but Wallets insisted it was “ahead of its time, like blockchain, but with fewer Ponzi schemes like Social Security $UCKER game where new investors pay out the old ones who move to FloriDUH to die basically!”
Meanwhile, Purse Boy’s TikTok fame birthed a grassroots movement: “The Purse Snatcher League.” Retirees also got in on the action to supplement their fixed disbursements nationwide and began “accidentally” swiping bureaucrats’ belongings—a senator’s gym bag, a lobbyist’s gold-plated AirPods—leaving coupons and passive-aggressive notes. (“Next time, lock your kombucha. Love, Nana.”) The DHS, overwhelmed by octogenarian anarchists, launched “Operation Denture Defcon,”profiling anyone with a AARP card or a preference for early bird specials.
Chaos peaked when Purse Boy got famous on Tik-Tok and was subpoenaed to testify. He arrived clutching a tote bag embroidered with “Bingo & Chill” and dropped a shower of Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards he snatched on the dais. “Y’all spend billions to stop me,” he clucked, “but can’t fix the DMV website.” The hearing devolved as lawmakers fought over his 15%-off Michaels voucher.
Director Wallets, seething, unveiled “Project Iron Clutch”: a classified program embedding facial recognition in every Kate Spade bag. “The purse is the patriot,” she proclaimed, while agents raided a Florida bingo hall, mistaking dabbers for “biometric hacking tools.” AmeriKKKan nation teetered on the brink of a geriatric Cold War—until a viral video of a Chihuahua humping the SmartSatchel forced a truce. Polls showed 79% of Americans trusted Purse Boy more than Congress same as they trust 34 time Felon Donald Trump more than law abiding prosecutor Kamala Harris. Desperate, Wallets offered him a “Senior Security Consultant” role. So Purse Boy countered: “Free waffle fries for life and a pardon for my bridge club.”
The deal was struck. Purse Boy now leads DHS’s “Purse Snatcher Task Force”, advocating for purse snatcher-friendly reforms: panic buttons replaced with “I’ve Fallen” alarms, and purses with louder candy-wrapper compartments. The Chihuahuas were reassigned to sniff out expired coupons at Walmart so today, America’s security apparatus remains gloriously absurd. Director Kristy Hoe’m tours the country with a Velcro-secured SmartSatchel, while Purse Boy’s YET ANOTHER NEW reality show—“Purse Snatch in WaSHITon—debuts on Netflix. The Purse Snatch League, now a sanctioned watchdog group, audits TSA lines for adequate bench seating.
And in a quiet D.C. diner, a 79-year-old purse snatcher nicknamed Purse Snatcher Granddaddy in suspenders eyes the Agriculture Secretary’s briefcase for valuables. He adjusts his hearing aid, smiles, and tucks a CVS receipt into his sleeve. Somewhere, a Chihuahua sneezes. The cycle of Purse Snatching continues.
Stateless Warrior Bullshit Satire Rating:
★★★★☆ (4/5 Stars – “Like 1984, but with more fiber supplements like Kristy Noem’s Nutrition regimen.”)
Ya’ll have a far greater chance Colonizing fuckin Mars witchuh idiot Elon!
But how many INNOCENT VICTIMS ARE YOU GOVERNMENT GESTAPO FAGS GOING TO TORTURE AND KILL IN YOUR CUSTODY T-O-D-A-Y YOU MOTHER FUCKIN COWARDS?”
https://www.myvideotime.com/video/389/if-you-stalker-g-agent-fags-ever-pitch-me-your-new-your/
And now on to MY SATIRE..
Home Insecurity Director Kristi Poem had her purse snatched while two Secret Service Agents were guarding her. One was jacking the other chicken spanking…
In the dim, chandelier-lit ambiance of “WaSHITon Burger” Director Kristy Hoe’m of the USDHS nibbled on a $400 truffle-infused crème brûlée after swallowing a huge burger flanked by two monkey fuck Secret Service agents whose earpieces hummed with the gravity of national security. Their eyes darted between the quinoa salads, Burgers, Buns and fuckin Nuns and the exits, ready to neutralize any threat—Russian hackers, rogue drones, or, God forbid, an unlicensed black street performer.
The director’s purse, a limited-edition “Homeland Secure™” clutch (complete with fingerprint lock and a built-in panic button), sat innocently on her chair. As she debated the existential risks of gluten-free bread, a shadowy figure emerged—a 36–year-old man named Purse Boy, armed with a coupon book and a fanny pack. With the stealth of a ninja who’d honed his skills at Bingo Night, Purse Boy swiped the purse mid-bite, stuffing it between his jacket and a half-finished Werther’s Original.
Chaos erupted…. Agent Bravo barked into his wrist mic: “Code Periwinkle! Repeat, Code Periwinkle! The bag is compromised!” The restaurant was locked down, patrons scanned for microchips, and the guacamole inspected for bioterrorism. Drones circled the area as analysts scoured CCTV for “suspicious activity”—defined as anyone not wearing tactical socks.
Meanwhile, Purse Boy strolled to the bus stop, humming “La Vie en Rose”, his heist foiled only by the clutch’s shrill alarm when he accidentally sat on the panic button. Agents triangulated the signal, only to find the purse in a trash can, alongside a note: “Upgrade to velcro. P.S., your snack bar’s unsecured.”
Director Wallets later hailed the operation as a “win,” citing “zero classified tamales leaked.” Congress promptly approved a $2 billion “Purse Protection Initiative,” featuring AI-trained attack Chihuahuas. And Purse Boy, will soon be a TikTok legend, was last seen negotiating a reality show: “Purse Boy vs. DHS: Dawn of the Purse Snatcher”.
And thus, America slept soundly, knowing its leaders were safe from all threats—except Purse Snatchers with a grudge and a CA$H fudge.” Of course it goes without say’n that Director Kristy Hoe’m, now dubbed “Madame Velcro” by late-night comedians, stood before Congress to testify about the “Purse Protection Initiative’s “historic success.” Flanked by a squad of AI Chihuahuas (wearing tiny USDHS tactical vests and growling at a suspicious Russian as they are trained to detect FSB agents near Potomac River), she declared, “We’ve neutralized 98% of handbag-based threats—excluding clutches, crossbodies, and anything sold at TJ Maxx.”
The initiative’s crowning glory? A $500 million “SmartSatchel” prototype: a purse that could self-destruct, tweet on Elon’s “X,”and launch subpoenas at whistleblowers. Critics argued it couldn’t hold a tube of lipstick without erroring out, but Wallets insisted it was “ahead of its time, like blockchain, but with fewer Ponzi schemes like Social Security $UCKER game where new investors pay out the old ones who move to FloriDUH to die basically!”
Meanwhile, Purse Boy’s TikTok fame birthed a grassroots movement: “The Purse Snatcher League.” Retirees also got in on the action to supplement their fixed disbursements nationwide and began “accidentally” swiping bureaucrats’ belongings—a senator’s gym bag, a lobbyist’s gold-plated AirPods—leaving coupons and passive-aggressive notes. (“Next time, lock your kombucha. Love, Nana.”) The DHS, overwhelmed by octogenarian anarchists, launched “Operation Denture Defcon,”profiling anyone with a AARP card or a preference for early bird specials.
Chaos peaked when Purse Boy got famous on Tik-Tok and was subpoenaed to testify. He arrived clutching a tote bag embroidered with “Bingo & Chill” and dropped a shower of Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards he snatched on the dais. “Y’all spend billions to stop me,” he clucked, “but can’t fix the DMV website.” The hearing devolved as lawmakers fought over his 15%-off Michaels voucher.
Director Wallets, seething, unveiled “Project Iron Clutch”: a classified program embedding facial recognition in every Kate Spade bag. “The purse is the patriot,” she proclaimed, while agents raided a Florida bingo hall, mistaking dabbers for “biometric hacking tools.” AmeriKKKan nation teetered on the brink of a geriatric Cold War—until a viral video of a Chihuahua humping the SmartSatchel forced a truce. Polls showed 79% of Americans trusted Purse Boy more than Congress same as they trust 34 time Felon Donald Trump more than law abiding prosecutor Kamala Harris. Desperate, Wallets offered him a “Senior Security Consultant” role. So Purse Boy countered: “Free waffle fries for life and a pardon for my bridge club.”
The deal was struck. Purse Boy now leads DHS’s “Purse Snatcher Task Force”, advocating for purse snatcher-friendly reforms: panic buttons replaced with “I’ve Fallen” alarms, and purses with louder candy-wrapper compartments. The Chihuahuas were reassigned to sniff out expired coupons at Walmart so today, America’s security apparatus remains gloriously absurd. Director Kristy Hoe’m tours the country with a Velcro-secured SmartSatchel, while Purse Boy’s YET ANOTHER NEW reality show—“Purse Snatch in WaSHITon—debuts on Netflix. The Purse Snatch League, now a sanctioned watchdog group, audits TSA lines for adequate bench seating.
And in a quiet D.C. diner, a 79-year-old purse snatcher nicknamed Purse Snatcher Granddaddy in suspenders eyes the Agriculture Secretary’s briefcase for valuables. He adjusts his hearing aid, smiles, and tucks a CVS receipt into his sleeve. Somewhere, a Chihuahua sneezes. The cycle of Purse Snatching continues.
Stateless Warrior Bullshit Satire Rating:
★★★★☆ (4/5 Stars – “Like 1984, but with more fiber supplements like Kristy Noem’s Nutrition regimen.”)
