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PRESIDENT DONALD THUG
Duration: 0:11
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Submitted: 6 hours ago
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In a stunning turn of events that has left both his staunchest allies and the mainstream media scratching their heads, President Donald Trump has reportedly abandoned the “businessman” and “politician” labels to fully embrace his true calling: being a stone-cold, 1980’s-movie-villain thug.
Sources confirm the epiphany struck while Trump was reportedly “renegotiating” a cheeseburger order at a Mar-a-Lago gala. “I’m the toughest, most beautiful thug you’ve ever seen,” Trump was overheard muttering, smoothing back his hair with a tiny comb. “Nobody knows thugs better than me! I have the best thugs — Believe me.”
Since the announcement, Trump has reportedly overhauled his public persona to fit the “thug life” narrative, though the transition has hit a few snags due to his apparent confusion about what a thug actually is.
Witness the Thug Credentials:
On Tuesday, Trump released a new video, dimly lit from below with a shaky iPhone camera, wherein he declared, “I am your retribution. Also, I will be accepting legal fees in the form of very, very large gold bars, or possibly a Trump-branded sneaker that shoots out actual bullets.” In the background, a bewildered Secret Service agent could be heard whispering, “Sir, that’s a straw. Please put the straw down.”
Eyewitnesses describe his new “menacing walk” as less of a strut and more of a waddle, hindered by his refusal to wear “thug-appropriate footwear,” sticking instead to expensive leather loafers that squeak aggressively on linoleum.
The Shakedown of the Century…
In what political analysts are calling “a bizarre pivot to organized crime larping,” Trump allegedly attempted to shake down a reporter. “You got a nice family, a nice laptop,” Trump reportedly said, leaning in close. “It would be a shame if something very legal but totally unfair happened to it. I’m going to need you to say I won the debate, or I send over the big guy. And the big guy is... well, it’s Rudy Giuliani. He smells like a dumpster fire and he’s very intimidating to look at.”
When the reporter laughed, Trump allegedly resorted to his ultimate thug tactic: threatening to withhold the ketchup. “No sauce for you. That’s how we roll in the big leagues of crime, folks.”
The ‘Attack’ on 42nd Street..
Attempts to physically intimidate the public backfired over the weekend when Trump showed up to a “neutral corner” in Hell’s Kitchen…. Dressed in a navy suit two sizes too tight and slathered in orange bronzer, he attempted to tag a brick wall with a can of gold spray paint. The graffiti read: “TRUMP WUZ HERE…. BIGLY! SORRY FOR THE MESS.”
When a local street vendor told him to “get lost, clown,” Trump reportedly screamed for his “crew.” The crew arrived: two 70-something lawyers carrying diet cokes and a man in a golf cart holding a stack of subpoenas. The standoff ended when the golf cart’s battery died, and Trump was forced to retreat, shaking his fist and yelling, “You’ll be in the suitcase! The suitcase of justice! Wait, that sounded threatening, right?”
The Code of the (Former) Street…
When pressed on the specifics of his “thug code,” Trump grew defensive. “First rule: never snitch. Which is why I am telling you right now that I never did anything wrong, but everybody else did. That’s not snitching; that’s... leadership. Second rule: don’t get high on your own supply. That’s for losers! I only get high on Diet Coke and Truth Social rage posts.”
Legal experts are baffled. “Being a thug usually implies a degree of physical prowess or at least the ability to throw a punch without throwing your spine out,” said law professor Dr. Jenna Reeves. “Trump gets winded walking down a ramp…. His version of ‘breaking your legs’ is just sending you a very mean email with a lot of capital letters and an exclamation point. Quite frankly, the Mafia is insulted.”
The ‘Hit’ That Wasn’t…
In perhaps the most pathetic attempt at thuggery, Trump placed a “hit” on former buddy Ron DeSantis. The “hitman” turned out to be a disgruntled Mar-a-Lago waiter who was told to serve Governor DeSantis “chicken that was cut very threateningly.”
As of press time, Trump was seen pacing the patio of his golf club, throwing handfuls of ketchup packets at a wall while muttering, “I’m a thug. I’m a thug. If I say it enough, you have to believe me. You have no choice! You have no choice, or I’ll have my people—wait, who are my people? I fired all of them! YOU’RE FIRED! See? Scary.”
When reached for comment, the ghost of John Gotti reportedly rolled over in his grave so hard he knocked over a flower vase.
Stateless Warrior
Sources confirm the epiphany struck while Trump was reportedly “renegotiating” a cheeseburger order at a Mar-a-Lago gala. “I’m the toughest, most beautiful thug you’ve ever seen,” Trump was overheard muttering, smoothing back his hair with a tiny comb. “Nobody knows thugs better than me! I have the best thugs — Believe me.”
Since the announcement, Trump has reportedly overhauled his public persona to fit the “thug life” narrative, though the transition has hit a few snags due to his apparent confusion about what a thug actually is.
Witness the Thug Credentials:
On Tuesday, Trump released a new video, dimly lit from below with a shaky iPhone camera, wherein he declared, “I am your retribution. Also, I will be accepting legal fees in the form of very, very large gold bars, or possibly a Trump-branded sneaker that shoots out actual bullets.” In the background, a bewildered Secret Service agent could be heard whispering, “Sir, that’s a straw. Please put the straw down.”
Eyewitnesses describe his new “menacing walk” as less of a strut and more of a waddle, hindered by his refusal to wear “thug-appropriate footwear,” sticking instead to expensive leather loafers that squeak aggressively on linoleum.
The Shakedown of the Century…
In what political analysts are calling “a bizarre pivot to organized crime larping,” Trump allegedly attempted to shake down a reporter. “You got a nice family, a nice laptop,” Trump reportedly said, leaning in close. “It would be a shame if something very legal but totally unfair happened to it. I’m going to need you to say I won the debate, or I send over the big guy. And the big guy is... well, it’s Rudy Giuliani. He smells like a dumpster fire and he’s very intimidating to look at.”
When the reporter laughed, Trump allegedly resorted to his ultimate thug tactic: threatening to withhold the ketchup. “No sauce for you. That’s how we roll in the big leagues of crime, folks.”
The ‘Attack’ on 42nd Street..
Attempts to physically intimidate the public backfired over the weekend when Trump showed up to a “neutral corner” in Hell’s Kitchen…. Dressed in a navy suit two sizes too tight and slathered in orange bronzer, he attempted to tag a brick wall with a can of gold spray paint. The graffiti read: “TRUMP WUZ HERE…. BIGLY! SORRY FOR THE MESS.”
When a local street vendor told him to “get lost, clown,” Trump reportedly screamed for his “crew.” The crew arrived: two 70-something lawyers carrying diet cokes and a man in a golf cart holding a stack of subpoenas. The standoff ended when the golf cart’s battery died, and Trump was forced to retreat, shaking his fist and yelling, “You’ll be in the suitcase! The suitcase of justice! Wait, that sounded threatening, right?”
The Code of the (Former) Street…
When pressed on the specifics of his “thug code,” Trump grew defensive. “First rule: never snitch. Which is why I am telling you right now that I never did anything wrong, but everybody else did. That’s not snitching; that’s... leadership. Second rule: don’t get high on your own supply. That’s for losers! I only get high on Diet Coke and Truth Social rage posts.”
Legal experts are baffled. “Being a thug usually implies a degree of physical prowess or at least the ability to throw a punch without throwing your spine out,” said law professor Dr. Jenna Reeves. “Trump gets winded walking down a ramp…. His version of ‘breaking your legs’ is just sending you a very mean email with a lot of capital letters and an exclamation point. Quite frankly, the Mafia is insulted.”
The ‘Hit’ That Wasn’t…
In perhaps the most pathetic attempt at thuggery, Trump placed a “hit” on former buddy Ron DeSantis. The “hitman” turned out to be a disgruntled Mar-a-Lago waiter who was told to serve Governor DeSantis “chicken that was cut very threateningly.”
As of press time, Trump was seen pacing the patio of his golf club, throwing handfuls of ketchup packets at a wall while muttering, “I’m a thug. I’m a thug. If I say it enough, you have to believe me. You have no choice! You have no choice, or I’ll have my people—wait, who are my people? I fired all of them! YOU’RE FIRED! See? Scary.”
When reached for comment, the ghost of John Gotti reportedly rolled over in his grave so hard he knocked over a flower vase.
Stateless Warrior
