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God Ignoring USA Again and Again
Duration: 0:31
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Submitted: 4 hours ago
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BREAKING: God Files for Diplomatic Divorce from U.S., Seen House-Hunting in Beijing
By an Unholy Messenger with a Wi-Fi connection…
In a stunning development that has left televangelists speechless and Mar-a-Lago's gold-leaf supplier quietly terrified, former (and current?) President Donald J. Trump has once again assured the American people that God is on their side.
"God is on their side," Trump reportedly said between bites of a well-done steak and a fourth Diet Coke. "Big league. He loves them. He told me. Very few people know this. He has a very high opinion of my generals."
And who are we to argue? After all, this is the same man who held a Bible upside down like a lost IKEA instruction manual and assured them that two Corinthians were definitely a church somewhere near Palm Beach. Clearly, he has a direct hotline.
But here's the thing. If God is truly on America's side, He has a spectacularly weird way of showing it. Because right now, the United States isn't just falling apart—it's performing a demolition derby while playing Yakety Sax on a kazoo.
Reason #1: They Can't Even Agree on What a Fact Is…
God is a God of truth, right? "I am the way, the truth, and the life." Well, currently, half of America thinks the other half is a lizard-person Deep State operative. They've reached a point where you can show someone a video of the sky being blue, and they'll shout, "FAKE! That's a Democrat cloud!"
If God is on their side, He must have a cosmic migraine. Either that, or He's just sitting on a cloud eating popcorn, muttering, "I gave them logic and they traded it for a $60 Bible signed by a reality TV star. I'm out."
Reason #2: They Just Bombed Seven Countries and Started a Bingo Card of Wars…
Trump proudly claims he's the "first president not to start a new war," which is like a chef saying he's the first not to burn water while the kitchen is on fire. Let's review the divine "favor" they've received under his watch:
· Iran: Bombed.
· Yemen: Bombed.
· Somalia: Bombed so hard the camels are filing for PTSD benefits.
· Venezuela: Captured their president. That's not a war. That's an episode of Narcos with a bigger budget.
· Syria, Iraq, Nigeria, and a few drug boats in the Caribbean: Also bombed, just for fun.
If God is on their side, why does He keep giving them more enemies? Usually, when you're on someone's side, you help them reduce their to-do list, not turn it into a novel. At this rate, they're going to bomb a country just because it looked at them wrong during a commercial break.
Reason #3: The Prosperity Gospel Has Gone Bust..
You know the Prosperity Gospel? The one Trump weaponized like a holy flamethrower? "God wants you rich! Send me $59.99 and He'll smite your enemies!"
Well, look around. The national debt is a punchline. The infrastructure is held together with duct tape and prayers—and the prayers are on backorder. Grocery prices are so high that "organic" now means "you can afford it if you sell a kidney." Meanwhile, Trump's own Bible (the "God Bless the USA" edition, which definitely wasn't ghostwritten by a bankrupt casino) is probably being used as a doorstop in a storage unit full of unpaid legal fees.
If this is God's side, I'd hate to see His enemy's side. Oh wait—that's China.
Which Brings Them to the Awkward Conclusion: Is God Actually on China's Side?
Let's look at the evidence, because I'm just asking questions here…
· China builds high-speed rail. They build potholes that eat small cars. God loves order and efficiency. Have you seen their train system? Amtrak is a mobile nursing home.
· China has a five-year plan. They have a five-minute attention span. God is eternal. He probably respects a civilization that thinks ahead instead of one that changes its mind every time a tweet goes out.
· China is building solar farms and electric buses. They are arguing about whether wind turbines cause cancer. I'm not saying God drives an EV, but He did create the sun. He might appreciate them using it.
· China just watched them bomb seven countries, capture a foreign president, and still call themselves the "good guys." Even God has a sense of irony. At some point, He looks down and says, "You know what? The Great Wall is pretty impressive. And they invented noodles. I'm switching teams."
The Final Verdict: God Has Left the Chat…
Look, I'm not a theologian. I'm just a person with eyes and a deep, weary sense of humor. But when a man who dodged the draft, paid off a porn star, and thinks "Two Corinthians" is a church tells me God is on their side, I have to check the scoreboard.
And the scoreboard says: America is a beautiful, chaotic, glorious mess—held together by spite, fast food, and the stubborn belief that they're the main character. Meanwhile, China is quietly building the future while they're busy bombing the past.
So maybe God isn't on China's side either. Maybe God is just… busy. Or on vacation. Or hiding from the fundraising emails.
But one thing's for sure: If God is on Trump's side, He has a fantastic sense of humor. And He's definitely laughing last.
Post Script: Please don't send me angry emails. Send $59.99 instead. I have a bridge to sell you. It's in Brooklyn. God told me it was a steal of a FAKE Trump deal!
Stateless Warrior
By an Unholy Messenger with a Wi-Fi connection…
In a stunning development that has left televangelists speechless and Mar-a-Lago's gold-leaf supplier quietly terrified, former (and current?) President Donald J. Trump has once again assured the American people that God is on their side.
"God is on their side," Trump reportedly said between bites of a well-done steak and a fourth Diet Coke. "Big league. He loves them. He told me. Very few people know this. He has a very high opinion of my generals."
And who are we to argue? After all, this is the same man who held a Bible upside down like a lost IKEA instruction manual and assured them that two Corinthians were definitely a church somewhere near Palm Beach. Clearly, he has a direct hotline.
But here's the thing. If God is truly on America's side, He has a spectacularly weird way of showing it. Because right now, the United States isn't just falling apart—it's performing a demolition derby while playing Yakety Sax on a kazoo.
Reason #1: They Can't Even Agree on What a Fact Is…
God is a God of truth, right? "I am the way, the truth, and the life." Well, currently, half of America thinks the other half is a lizard-person Deep State operative. They've reached a point where you can show someone a video of the sky being blue, and they'll shout, "FAKE! That's a Democrat cloud!"
If God is on their side, He must have a cosmic migraine. Either that, or He's just sitting on a cloud eating popcorn, muttering, "I gave them logic and they traded it for a $60 Bible signed by a reality TV star. I'm out."
Reason #2: They Just Bombed Seven Countries and Started a Bingo Card of Wars…
Trump proudly claims he's the "first president not to start a new war," which is like a chef saying he's the first not to burn water while the kitchen is on fire. Let's review the divine "favor" they've received under his watch:
· Iran: Bombed.
· Yemen: Bombed.
· Somalia: Bombed so hard the camels are filing for PTSD benefits.
· Venezuela: Captured their president. That's not a war. That's an episode of Narcos with a bigger budget.
· Syria, Iraq, Nigeria, and a few drug boats in the Caribbean: Also bombed, just for fun.
If God is on their side, why does He keep giving them more enemies? Usually, when you're on someone's side, you help them reduce their to-do list, not turn it into a novel. At this rate, they're going to bomb a country just because it looked at them wrong during a commercial break.
Reason #3: The Prosperity Gospel Has Gone Bust..
You know the Prosperity Gospel? The one Trump weaponized like a holy flamethrower? "God wants you rich! Send me $59.99 and He'll smite your enemies!"
Well, look around. The national debt is a punchline. The infrastructure is held together with duct tape and prayers—and the prayers are on backorder. Grocery prices are so high that "organic" now means "you can afford it if you sell a kidney." Meanwhile, Trump's own Bible (the "God Bless the USA" edition, which definitely wasn't ghostwritten by a bankrupt casino) is probably being used as a doorstop in a storage unit full of unpaid legal fees.
If this is God's side, I'd hate to see His enemy's side. Oh wait—that's China.
Which Brings Them to the Awkward Conclusion: Is God Actually on China's Side?
Let's look at the evidence, because I'm just asking questions here…
· China builds high-speed rail. They build potholes that eat small cars. God loves order and efficiency. Have you seen their train system? Amtrak is a mobile nursing home.
· China has a five-year plan. They have a five-minute attention span. God is eternal. He probably respects a civilization that thinks ahead instead of one that changes its mind every time a tweet goes out.
· China is building solar farms and electric buses. They are arguing about whether wind turbines cause cancer. I'm not saying God drives an EV, but He did create the sun. He might appreciate them using it.
· China just watched them bomb seven countries, capture a foreign president, and still call themselves the "good guys." Even God has a sense of irony. At some point, He looks down and says, "You know what? The Great Wall is pretty impressive. And they invented noodles. I'm switching teams."
The Final Verdict: God Has Left the Chat…
Look, I'm not a theologian. I'm just a person with eyes and a deep, weary sense of humor. But when a man who dodged the draft, paid off a porn star, and thinks "Two Corinthians" is a church tells me God is on their side, I have to check the scoreboard.
And the scoreboard says: America is a beautiful, chaotic, glorious mess—held together by spite, fast food, and the stubborn belief that they're the main character. Meanwhile, China is quietly building the future while they're busy bombing the past.
So maybe God isn't on China's side either. Maybe God is just… busy. Or on vacation. Or hiding from the fundraising emails.
But one thing's for sure: If God is on Trump's side, He has a fantastic sense of humor. And He's definitely laughing last.
Post Script: Please don't send me angry emails. Send $59.99 instead. I have a bridge to sell you. It's in Brooklyn. God told me it was a steal of a FAKE Trump deal!
Stateless Warrior
